I THINK I'M GONNA BE AN ACADEMIC all my life. I love studying, learning, reading, working. Tuloy, now that I've missed two terms already (due to househelp misadventures), I feel like fish out of water, I'm raring to be back in school, and find myself looking back to the time I was a full-time student (read: UP days). At one point I've even considered taking Law while in MBA. But I will reserve that for when I'm in a more convivial mood. :)

For now I'd share a poem I 'wrote' back in 1993, produced in an effort to expound further the idea I pushed in a paper I wrote for Psych 145, Psychology of Language. Interestingly, I wrote that paper haphazardly, thinking up the main premise only the night before (while delivering psychological torture to the Buklets), and consolidating my thoughts the morning after that sleepless and exhausting night, on the way back from the initiation in Batangas, at the backseat of a Nissan Sentra driven by an ex-boyfriend who was speeding up because he was late for a date with someone else, and I seething for having no choice but to ride with him (and take the risk of losing life and limb from that kind and speed of driving) since I have to be back in UP, ASAP, kse nga deadline na ng paper the day before pa...

When we got to UP it was raining, and I had to run to the nearest IKOT jeep to go to the Shopping Center to type up my thoughts. There THREE computers hung up on me, causing me to lose data (wala namang auto-save ang WordStar... must have transferred all that negative energy and sama ng loob to the DOS) and more delay. Finally, at 4 pm I was able to print my output and submit to Dr. Allan Bernardo (who I heard is now Dean of the College of Education at DLSU), who gave me vindication by giving the paper an UNO. Ah.. success at the face of adversity, failing technology and heartbreak... sweetest!

I would have shared the paper here, kaya lang it's in my academic stack in my room at my mom's house, so I would have to make do with sharing the poem (typed up using my then Olivetti) and the accompanying notes:

25 november 1993

dear haidz,

maaalala mo siguro ang aking main premise sa paper ko sa 145 -- na sa paggamit ng isang wikang banyaga gaya ng Ingles, nailalayo ng mga Pilipino ang mga konsepto sa kanilang sarili, kung kaya't ang ilang konseptong taboo ay nagagawa nilang pag-usapan. sa pagkakataong ito, gumagawa ako ng extension ng palagay na iyon, pero sa mas indirect na paraan -- sisikapin kong palapitin pa sa pakiramdam at pag-iisip ang ilang konsepto, sa paggamit ng wika natin, sa pagsalin nitong tulang nakuha mo sa library, na talaga namang 'can relate' ako. sana'y magustuhan mo.

MUHI (salin mula sa "Hate" ni James Stephens)

Nagkasalubong kami
ako at siya, ang lalaking aking kinamumuhian
ah! isang mabangis na tingin
akin siyang pinukulan.
ano't nanginginig pa ang aking mga labi't
nakasimangot
paismid na dinaanan siya
ng mga matang naniningkit.
Ngunit nang ako'y nakatalikod
at papalayo na
ang bastos na 'yon--
ang hudas--
ay nagsalita:
--Ha! lilipas din ang lahat ng ito!
pagdating ng araw na iyon--
kapag ubos na ang lahat ng matatalas na salita
magtataka tayong kapwa --
ano nga bang kalokohan
ang ating pinagkagalitan?
Nagawa nga kaya nating maglayo
at mamuhi sa isa't isa?--
Iyon ang tinuran niya
at di siya tumalikod ni lumakad papalayo..
Naghintay at tumayo roong
tila nais marinig ang aking magiging tugon.
Ngunit ako'y tumakbo na--
papalayo--
salsal ang dibdib ng alinlangan--
pagkat alam ko
na kung ako'y di pa umalis
mapipilitang aminin sa sarili--
na siya'y talagang
mahal ko pa
ng labis.

May 06, 2005